Inner Child, Outer Conflict: How Past Wounds Shape Our Partnerships

Our inner child inevitably shows up in our relationships. These connections often become a playground where our inner child attempts to get its needs met, sometimes without us even realizing it. Many times, our inner child is seeking the kind of support or nurturing we might have needed from a parent, and we may find ourselves subconsciously hoping our partner will fill these gaps.

Often, our inner child carries deeply ingrained wounds—feelings of not being good enough, not belonging, or being unlovable. Without meaning to, we may hope that our partner will meet these unmet needs by reassuring us in ways we lacked in childhood. For instance, if our inner child was made to feel “not good enough,” we may unconsciously look to our partner to validate our worth and prove our value. Or, if we grew up feeling like we didn’t belong, we might hold the unspoken hope that our partner will make us feel fully seen and accepted.

However, relying on our partner to heal these wounds can be problematic because, oftentimes, our partner has their own inner child with similar fears or needs. They, too, may be unconsciously hoping to feel validated or understood in ways they missed out on as a child. Without recognizing it, two people can end up looking to each other to fill the same void, which neither can completely resolve alone.

Building a relationship with our inner child is essential. It’s our responsibility to be the primary caregiver for this inner part of ourselves, so we don’t unintentionally place the expectation on our partner to intuitively know what we need or to "make the perfect choice" in every situation. Often, that “perfect choice” is simply what we expect based on our own experiences or needs. Yet, our partner has their own inner child, with different needs, ideas, and desires.

When I talk about the inner child, people sometimes give me puzzled looks—it can feel like an abstract concept. But it’s quite simple. We all have an inner child. This may be a young, vulnerable version of ourselves, a teen filled with frustration, or a middle schooler longing for acceptance. As a therapist, I often introduce parts work to help clients identify these inner children because they frequently influence how we show up in relationships, whether we realize it or not.

You may have heard the phrase, “Relationships are our greatest mirrors.” I wholeheartedly agree. Relationships are ideal environments for looking inward and examining where our triggers come from and why they appear. Often, it’s because, without realizing it, our partner is no longer meeting our inner child’s expectations, hopes, or dreams.

In couples work, I dedicate time to nurturing clients’ connections with their inner children so they can offer themselves the love, acknowledgment, and validation that the inner child may have been craving. Reparenting our inner child is a crucial step in relationships because it provides a foundation for understanding and holding space for the complex hopes and dreams our inner child may have—and that we may have never stopped to recognize or honor.